i jhust puked up my retainher.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
