I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
