Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
