Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
