you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
