I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
