break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
