I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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