Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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