Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
