Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
