Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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