I just threw up on my dentist
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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