i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
