Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
