well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I need to stop coming to work sober
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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