I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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