my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That accounts for only three of the penises
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
