there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
