Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
