I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
