I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
