think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
