Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
