Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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