in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm getting married
To pizza
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
