My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's blow job season.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
