I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
