I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
