you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
