I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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