i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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