guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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