her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
