I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
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