I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
