Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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