get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
