Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
