Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
