May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
