I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
