Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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