when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
