I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
