mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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