he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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