i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
it's like iHOP with fire
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
