You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
organizing the empties. That sober.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
