Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
