I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
