Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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