Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
