That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
