He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
