My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
