the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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